Confessions of a Type-A Yogi

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Confessions of a Type-A Yogi

February 28, 2011 by James MacAdam

Photo of yours truly by Ross Evans.

In my early yoga days studying Anusara Yoga with John Friend, he once told me (through my girlfriend) that I could be a great yogi like my friend Darren Rhodes. To me, this meant that I too would be able to contort my body into incredible formations, and demonstrate my world-class athletic prowess through the art of Hatha Yoga. (Note 3.7.2011): this does NOT mean that John encouraged me to contort my body or pursue a yoga that was externally focused in any way. What I know now (and that I should have made clear when I first wrote this), is that John was referring to my studentship or adhikara, not to my athletic abilities. This post is about my own challenges and misunderstandings about the teachings of yoga, and is not meant at all to be a commentary on John Friend or Anusara Yoga. -JM)

I did have a lot of potential. I was one of those guys who could do backbends so deep it looked (and felt) like a rainbow was going to explode out of my chest. I was gung-ho, and loved the blissful energy that I tapped into through yoga. I especially loved the attention that came through the demonstrations we’d do at every workshop. “Going deeper” to me meant finally grabbing my foot in Natarajasana, taking Vishvamitrasana to its full extension, and flying higher on the fumes of Grace generated by intense practice and the guidance of one of yoga’s most charismatic and powerful teachers.

But Grace had other plans for me. Over the course of a few years, I had increasing problems with pain in one of my hips. Everybody thought it was a tight psoas muscle (deep hip flexor). So I stretched my psoas more than any one person should do, with the trust that if I just followed the principles of physical alignment everything would heal. Unfortunately the pain only increased–after every practice a nervy burning sensation would radiate through my pelvis. Despite superhuman stretching efforts, massage, Rolfing, physical therapy, prayer, many yoga therapy consultations and a lot of worrying, the pain persisted and got worse.

I began to lose function. At yoga workshops, as 100 other yogis pushed up into Urdhva Dhanurasana (full backbend), I held a gentle bridge pose with a block between my thighs. I lost the ability to hike and bike, and sitting in any position became very painful. I attended a Zen retreat and, because of the pain, did walking meditation alone outside while everyone else sat in the zendo. At the ripe old age of 30, I had blown out my body in a pursuit that was supposed to be healing and balancing.

What was most painful about the situation was this: my mind was so strong in its image of what my practice should be like, and my emotions so raw in their need for external approval, that I missed what my body was saying: stop! Stop pushing so hard. Stop trying to live up to somebody else’s (i.e. Darren’s and other great yogis’) potential. Stop mistaking the external form of the practice for the practice’s real meaning and purpose.

A moment of revelation came when in my search for answers, I stumbled upon a DVD on yoga anatomy. My “a-ha” moment came when the teacher illustrated how bones are shaped differently from one person to the next, and how the shape of their bones can limit their ability to go deeper in certain poses–particularly in the hips and shoulders. I felt a tinge of recognition as he showed how bone-on-bone impingements between the femur and pelvis could reduce range of motion and make certain poses impossible or highly restricted. My eyes misted over as I thought ruefully of how many times I had pushed through just this situation, and encouraged my yoga students to do the same.

Three orthopedic surgeons later, I found out that that’s exactly what my situation was–I had “femoroacetabular impingement,” a condition in which the neck of the femur contacts the rim of the acetabulum in deep flexion and internal rotation (a.k.a. yoga). The result was a torn labrum (a ring of connective tissue) in both hips. I went on to get surgeries that would re-shape my bones, repair the labrum, and return both hips to full function.

After the surgery, I told my surgeon that I’d send him a photo of myself doing Natarajasana some day. But almost three years later, I still haven’t gone back to that level of practice. The practice I do now is very internal and mild, not because I can’t practice at that level of intensity, but because I don’t want to. The yogic fire that I fed so intently has burned out, and now simmers as a pile of barely-warm coals.

Mine is a cautionary tale about the dangers of yoga’s appropriation by the ego. I pursued greatness in ways that didn’t make sense for my own limitations and potential. I also, like many, many people I know, made a crucial error in my understanding of what yoga is. Yoga is not meant to be a competitive sport, or an artistic form like ballet where the body is mortified to create an image of beauty. One cannot “win” in yoga, nor does “going deeper” in a pose necessarily mean stretching it further or holding it longer. Yoga is a powerful form of subtle body and spiritual practice. As such, it will tend to bring us face-to-face with our own egoism, with our own contraction amid the larger flow of life. Injury is one of the ways it does this, and it appears to be doing so for more and more people as its popularity increases.

Yoga can also bring about profound and rapid healing; but yogic alignment isn’t just about moving one’s bones around. It is a practice of bringing mind, body, heart and Spirit into conscious and harmonious relationship. For Type-A westerners like me, it may be difficult to remember that yoga is a practice, not an achievement. This remembrance only becomes more challenging as yoga is increasingly seen as a path not just toward spiritual realization, but toward money, power and fame.

Posted in Culture, Spirituality | Tagged Anusara Yoga, femoroacetabular impingement, health, practice, spirituality, subtle body, yoga | 91 Comments

91 Responses

on February 28, 2011 at 1:53 pm Bruce

These thoughts deserve to be heard – and thought about – and extended. “[My] own contraction amid the larger flow of life” has the power to keep me awake nights. Thank you.
on February 28, 2011 at 2:05 pm Nicole S

Hey James,
How do you identify femoroacetabular impingement in self or in students?! Thanks for this!
on February 28, 2011 at 2:17 pm James MacAdam

The “impingement test” is described about 4/5 of the way down on this page: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2293316/
on February 28, 2011 at 3:37 pm darren Rhodes

James, great baba-blog. Please teach again. Your path and perspective will serve many. My personal passion these days is teaching safe yet effective yoga via yogahour. I believe that the more difficult postures are for elite athletes and offer nothing by pain and hardship for most bodies. And, the more basic postures, take people just as deep internally. Me is dharma done doing and teaching advanced asana.
on February 28, 2011 at 6:25 pm Michael

Thanks for sharing your story James. This is a very revealing account of what I know were difficult years for you. I’m glad to hear your perspectives now as a result and glad you are able to enjoy hiking again…
on March 1, 2011 at 12:53 am Chad Bush

I really enjoyed this, James. I appreciate your sharing this with the world. This is a vital perspective of yoga that I’ve not seen anywhere before. Thank you.
on March 2, 2011 at 6:32 am Carol Magee

Hi James!

I thank you so much for this wonderful insight to yoga postures and ego! I have the hip and shoulder thingy – cannot stretch them very much at all. So for years – I beat myself up for not being “good enough”! Now I take it easy in classes – doing what I can and not focusing on what I cannot do. And I get to have fun too!! You are the BEST!
on March 3, 2011 at 11:06 am Elsbeth Vaino

Great article, James. Glad that you’ve learned this great lesson and are sharing it with others.
on March 3, 2011 at 11:17 am Strength and conditioning for rehab and sports performance | Elsbeth Vaino's Blog

[...] title of this post is a quote from the blog article linked below. If you have a minute, please give it a read. It is a great reminder about the true value and [...]
on March 3, 2011 at 12:24 pm dragosea

Well written, thank you. I’m starting my journey through this with both hips. I’m 31, and have had pain for many years, finally diagnosed as FAI. I’m glad you are doing well, and I’m looking forward to taking one step at a time.
~Mark
on March 3, 2011 at 6:56 pm Tory

James, I’ll echo all the others in saying thanks so much for sharing this vital perspective. I’m forwarding to my sister, who has pain (at 26) that I suspect is yoga-related.
on March 3, 2011 at 9:56 pm E.B. MacStubbs

James, So well said. You affirmed my knowing with clear eloquence. And it is good to hear of you finding some peace
within the journey.
Can’t wait to share this with my Yoga Buddies.
Love, A. Ethel
on March 4, 2011 at 6:39 am Kmull

I just had to comment. I had been doing Bikram yoga for about a year and a half when I started to have hip pain. I loved the practice but was constantly encouraged to push myself. Not realizing the damage I was doing to my body. I have never been very flexible but was really encouraged that I could go deeper in my poses. Now I am on my second hip sugary for femoral acetabular impingement. Both of my hips have it and the labrum of each was torn. I am on my second surgery on my left hip and will need my right done next. I guess I just wanted to share my story because I would love for the instructors to be cautious when pushing their students. I never realized that yoga could cause so much harm.
on March 7, 2011 at 12:26 am Barbara

Thank you so much for this James! After many years of beating my body in to submission with ashtanga, I too ended up with injuries that will affect my range of movement for the rest of my life. The greatest gift I have ever been given was meeting my teachers A.G. and Indra Mohan who showed me a better way. I now honour my body, my limitations, my strengths and i have to say I have never before received so much satisfaction and deep pleasure than i do with the simple yet profound practice that is as much a part of my life as my breath. thankyou again, every body needs to hear this.
on March 7, 2011 at 12:52 pm Shelley

I am always so happy to hear positive and REAL stories like this one. Learning to work with what we have and be happy with who we are is what life, and yoga, should be about. Shanti!
on March 7, 2011 at 1:53 pm Rose

Thank you for sharing your story! I feel very blessed to have a teacher (Amy Weintraub) that has been telling me from the beginning to honor and listen to my body, as I tend to have that type-A personality. Perhaps I am also blessed by a body that cannot do many of the athletic type poses. In many ways, I think those poses are nice to be working towards, but I also realize I might spend the rest of my life working towards a full Natarajasana and never get there.
Sadly, your story is far more common in our world than it should be. The more that you share it, the more people will be inspired to listen to their bodies and to honor them. I do hope that you are teaching – many will benefit from your unique perspective.
Thank you!
on March 7, 2011 at 3:06 pm James MacAdam

Thanks to all who have commented on this post–apparently it has hit a nerve with many people, and it makes me glad I have finally shared this story.
on March 7, 2011 at 4:49 pm gayle

Hi James,

Your story is very touching. I find myself testing my edges a lot. It feels good.

My question to you is this – did you feel pain when you were going deep into these more difficult poses?

How do we know when we are working against our anatomy that cannot be changed or going deeper to open up areas that can be opened?

Any insight would be appreciated.
on March 7, 2011 at 6:26 pm Ali

Great blog. Thank you for the insight. Was the yoga anatomy DVD you wrote about by Paul Grille by any chance? If so, I had s similar type reaction when I saw a slide show on his website concerning different bone samples and different shapes in the same bone specimen. It has totally informed my teaching and was an invaluable lesson. I hope your healing is going well. Blessings upon you.
on March 7, 2011 at 6:30 pm James MacAdam

Yes, Paul Grilley. Thanks for reading and the good wishes.
on March 7, 2011 at 8:36 pm Leslie Murphy

Thank you SO much for this! I was told constantly that, “It’s not about the poses”…..Well, guess what folks. Its about the poses! and after seeing “Yoga Inc.” its also about the money….And, having a ton of people “adore” you! I am SO thankful for Paul Grilley and his understanding and experience of Anatomy and the whole yoga scene. There was no traditional yoga, just like there was no traditional medicine. There was only the intention for peace and healing….and, I am glad you did.
on March 7, 2011 at 9:58 pm Darren Rhodes

James I appreciate your added note: ‘this does NOT mean that John encouraged me to contort my body or pursue a yoga that was externally focused…John was referring to my studentship…not to my athletic abilities.” Indeed, John Friend does not promote the physical practice of yoga for its own sake. John teaches students to practice in a way that helps them to explore and express the power of their own hearts. In the above comment I said I am “done doing & teaching advanced asana.” After further reflection I realize that’s not true. It’s more accurate to say that I have no interest in advanced asana for its own sake. If, however, advanced asana serves to help someone to elevate and positively shift their state, I’m all for it. After all, exploring the full spectrum of asana was a pivotal part of my path. James, please teach!
on March 7, 2011 at 11:01 pm chris calarco

thanks so much for this james. so many people caught in the web of asana for asana’s sake. it is merely a piece of a very large puzzle. thank you.
on March 8, 2011 at 4:59 am Flo

Thank you for sharing your story. Sadly this reminds me of what I am currently dealing with. I had “sciatica” as my Doctor deemed it about 2 years ago. Still to this day I endure radiating pain down my left leg and chalk it up to over exertion in practice. The doctors x rayed my back a year or so ago to ensure it was disc related. Hence the generalization that it is muscular related to my psoas. I am not sure what to do, but the pain is always there, some days are extremely painful and others are not as much. But, this is eye opening to me.
Thank you!
love & light
on March 8, 2011 at 6:01 am Nancy LaNasa

Thank you so much for writing this, and writing it so beautifully. 3 years ago, after almost 25 years of hatha yoga practice, I was diagnosed with cancer and had major abdominal surgery. Talk about a game changer. But it’s OK, I now really enjoy my simpler, kinder, and more thoughtful asana practice, and am proud of my years and experience. Legs behind the head? Nope, my head is exactly where it should be, and I am grateful to still have IT, at least! You are awesome James.
on March 8, 2011 at 7:49 am Gloria

James,
Thanks for an amazing article and your heartfelt sharing. Beautiful.
My first teachers, Ganga White & Tracey Rich, referred to Yoga as a “lifelong practice”. If it is to be such, we have to learn to listen intently to our internal guidance, as you have done. Congratulations.
Love Paul Grilley, definitely a man with a message
Blessings,
Gloria
on March 8, 2011 at 8:15 am Edward F. Scheterlak

We live in a culture that promotes competition. Most of the students I have met in 17 years of teaching have the attitudes you describe. All too often our teachers share this mind set. It isn’t easy to help a student to spiritual growth while avoiding over-work on the physical level. That, however is the real job of a yoga teacher. I have known many injured teachers and many others whose genetics allow them to perform on a level that most people can NEVER achieve. Although your mind brought you to injury, the real blame goes to your teachers who needed to have the understanding to help you stay healthy. Part of teaching is psychological. I’m glad you have achieved balance in your life. I’m also sad you had to experience injury and pain to find that path.
Namaste
on March 8, 2011 at 8:23 am michelle marlahan

those last two paragraphs hold such an important message. a different framework than our western approach for sure!

thank you for sharing your story – so many people i know continue to thrash themselves against the rocks trying to “get somewhere” in the practice. people are clearly being inspired by your message!!
on March 8, 2011 at 8:33 am Nancy A

wonderful wonderful post. I am so thankful for finding it and for your honesty.
on March 8, 2011 at 8:34 am cheryl acheson

Fantabulous story! Thank you. Will share with my students and it is a good reminder for me as well.
on March 8, 2011 at 8:40 am Jessica

Fantastic post! Thank you so much for sharing your story and the wisdom you’ve gained through your journey. It’s so important to honor our unique bodies but so easy to get caught up in what we think should be. Thank you for the reminder.
on March 8, 2011 at 8:54 am MaryKay

Beautifully expressed. Bringing it all to the mat!
Namaste ~
on March 8, 2011 at 9:23 am Eileen Howell

James,

I always enjoyed your classes and got a lot out of them. I know this was a hard road for you and I empathize. Arthritis got my hip and I just had it replaced. I’m looking forward to practicing yoga again within my limitations. I would love to see more classes for those of us with limitations, so I second Darren’s call for you to teach.
on March 8, 2011 at 9:30 am Marcia Tullous

James,

What a powerful message and teaching to share. It seems it’s taken you a fair amount of time to sort through this experience and make some sense of it. Thank you for sharing your insights with the rest of us. This particular teaching stands out for me, “yoga is a practice, not an achievement.” I think I’ll be sharing that one in class. ; )

Oh, and I agree with Darren that you are a teacher at heart. I know you will find your outlet and way of sharing with the world what needs to be shared, and I will happily be present as one of your students.

Sending lots of love to you,

Marcia
on March 8, 2011 at 10:43 am Sophie

Thank you for this article. I have struggled with hip pain for a number of years in my practice, thinking if I practice more, my hip would open and release. I now know after an MRI, that I have significant deterioration in my Left Hip. My injuries/limitations are often my greatest teachers.
on March 8, 2011 at 10:52 am K-Lea Gifford

Thank you James! Your sharing touched and resonated deeply within me.
on March 8, 2011 at 11:45 am linda

“I stumbled upon a DVD on yoga anatomy. My “a-ha” moment came when the teacher illustrated how bones are shaped differently from one person to the next, and how the shape of their bones can limit their ability to go deeper in certain poses–particularly in the hips and shoulders.”

are you talking about Paul Grilley? I am one of his senior students and I always tell my students “yoga is all in the bones.”

my a-ha moment came when I first studied with him in 2003. I thought, why isn’t every yoga teacher taking this workshop?
on March 8, 2011 at 2:56 pm mehves ozel

You know these days I was wondering to know what people are searching in yoga..It became so popular that people started to race against each other..Here in Turkey there are lot’s of yoga centers.It’s great but the students always change teacher.They always want to try someone else and different pose, differents waves etc. Every body becomes yoga teacher and student thinks that who forces more is good. Your reflection is a remember for me! Very precious remember and approval! Iwon’t change my way for others expectations and for holding them. I will teach like i have learned. Gently,softly..with soul! No push for advanced pose!I have also hurted my knees;my back in the past.These were the calls of the body!Like Iyengar says asanas has their poison as their nectar!Paul Grilley is coming to Turkey..Now I am excited to join his class!
Many blessing and love!Thank you!
on March 8, 2011 at 4:22 pm Landry

Thank you, thank you, James, for sharing your story. You have summed up so much, so powerfully, in relatively few, very well written words. Wow. I am happy to learn of your peace and healing. And I am grateful for and inspired by this piece you’ve written. It is certainly affirming and warms my lonely yogic being to find simpatico in your personal account. For me, life is yoga. Being in the flow comes from awareness nurtured by various spiritual practices, all put to work in my everyday actions and interactions. Fullness hasn’t flooded me simply as a result of ‘flying high on the fumes of Grace,’ as you offered so astutely. Over the past 22 years, the asana I have practiced has varied with my needs. I, too, experienced a stretch as an Anusara yogi during which I pushed beyond my limits (lacking sensitivity and humility) and ended up physically injured, requiring surgeries to repair the damage. I continue to adhere to and endorse Anusara’s UPA’s and uplifting philosophy, and I love the depth of my yoga practice today – fewer hours, super potent, truly founded in Grace. I am happy to report my own peace and healing. I wouldn’t give back or change any of it. Thanks again for inspiring and opening a door to this conversation!
Much love to you and Rachel.
I still miss you, amazing Tucson kula!
on March 8, 2011 at 5:06 pm Lise Waugh

Thank you for a beautiful and honest expression of your journey. A journey I can so totally relate to in many ways- just substitute eating disorder for pursuit of thinness…. and push push push for the same impingement with the substitution of shoulder for joint.

The healing path is about finding balance and coming into ease in our body/mind/moment. Letting go to the competitive attachments our ego so thrives on…. and learning to embrace the bliss that dwells within us.

Thank you for your story.
on March 8, 2011 at 9:09 pm Confessions of a Type-A Yogi (via James MacAdam) | The Well: bodymindheartspirit

[...] In my early yoga days studying Anusara Yoga with John Friend, he once told me (through my girlfriend) that I could be a great yogi like my friend Darren Rhodes. To me, this meant that I too would be able to contort my body into incredible formations, and demonstrate my world-class athletic prowess through the art of Hatha Yoga. … Read More [...]
on March 8, 2011 at 9:34 pm Rebecca

Thank you for sharing, James. Definitely a powerful lesson, and an eloquent and helpful reminder for me… about looking internally rather than externally, and letting go of comparison to any one person or supposed ideal while practicing to maintain the awareness that the ego often seeks to co-opt ideas, teachings, practices and use them to strengthen itself against what truly may serve.
on March 9, 2011 at 12:28 am Junichi Kato

nice post fellow yogi
on March 9, 2011 at 12:29 am Junichi Kato

I will convey this message to my fellow yogi’s in the Philippine, Mabuhay! Po kayo!
on March 9, 2011 at 7:49 am Mandy Eubanks

Thanks for sharing James. I’m so glad to hear you finally figured out what was going on in your body. I have to agree with Darren that you should go teach what you have learned through your experience. There are so many who can benefit from your wisdom.

Best,
Mandy Eubanks
Austin, TX
on March 9, 2011 at 8:01 am peter ashworth

spot on!
on March 9, 2011 at 10:30 am KimWade

Thank you for sharing this truth. It is in our own learning and journey that we can share and relate with others. Much appreciated!
on March 9, 2011 at 11:01 am Ariane Trelaun

I am profoundly moved by what you’ve written, James, and by your experience. As a Type A+, I can so relate to the pushing that you describe, and will carry your story deep inside for some time to come, calming that voice that’s always calling out for more, more, more.
With love and gratitude,
Ariane
on March 9, 2011 at 11:14 am Stephanie Sandy

Thank you, James, for posting this article. I’m 58 and was given a tentative diagnosis of the same, and fortunately have been able to lessen the pain and discomfort by strengthening the muscles of legs and hips with PT. But I did not understand the condition or its origin until this post. Thank you.
on March 9, 2011 at 11:23 am Kimberly Johnson

Dear James,
Thanks so much for sharing your story and for sharing the understanding and insights you have gained through your experience. I can relate on many levels. The birth of my daughter and post-partum recovery have completely changes my body. Poses that used to be easy are difficult/excruciating and I don’t have near the same level of access to my energetic system that I used to because of pelvic floor damage. It is all getting better, but it requires more patience than I thought I had. I am still working my way to a practice that feels genuinely satisfying. And of course redefining again and again what exactly is practice.

I look back at myself as a yoga teacher in my younger days and smile at my unbridled enthusiasm and conviction that yoga could cure anything. That evolved to realizing that there should be the disclaimer that “good yoga” could cure anything. And nowadays I see the question as irrelevant and all about application. Yoga has an incredible vast span and toolbox but knowing how to choose what tools, understanding what are legitimate limits to respect and what are blind spots to illuminate.

It is so refreshing to read genuine intelligent writing on yoga!
THanks, Kimberly
on March 9, 2011 at 12:01 pm donna r

Thank you James for your insight – after practicing for more than 12 years, 7 strictly Anusara, I coudn’t understand why I couldn’t advance my practice – why I couldn’t master some asanas. Just this year I came to my own realization that my body could only go so far; however, my mind could go as deep as my imagination. So I am truly grateful for my practice that is uniquely my own limitations and all. I still marvel at those advanced yogis with appreciation.
on March 9, 2011 at 12:05 pm Confessions of a Type-A Yogi (via James MacAdam) « Truth, Love, Beauty

[...] In my early yoga days studying Anusara Yoga with John Friend, he once told me (through my girlfriend) that I could be a great yogi like my friend Darren Rhodes. To me, this meant that I too would be able to contort my body into incredible formations, and demonstrate my world-class athletic prowess through the art of Hatha Yoga. … Read More [...]
on March 9, 2011 at 12:56 pm Julissa Carranza

This entire blog is YOGA! Thanks for sharing your experience. Many will see themselves in you.
Love and healing
Julissa
on March 9, 2011 at 3:03 pm Confessions of a Type-A Yogi Yoga Lifestyle Food | Yoga Everywhere | yoga

[...] James MacAdam for this wonderful reminder that yoga is a practice, not an [...]
on March 9, 2011 at 3:57 pm Jodi Knox

Thank you for your honesty. Your sharing struck a nerve for me. No pun intended. I am sure your story will inform and guide my practice. I appreciate the gift!
on March 9, 2011 at 5:09 pm jorja rivero

thank you thank you thank you ~

really moved beyond words, soothed & connected in deep ways with your honesty, transparency, & vulnerability : such strength & elegance!

love & desire to meet you ~
on March 10, 2011 at 1:33 am Tal Rachleff

Thank you for sharing your story. It totally resonated for me — not the being bendy part, but the challenges of discovering one’s own yoga instead of seeking to emulate another’s.
on March 10, 2011 at 5:06 am Bruce Bowditch

Here! Here! James thanks so much for this article and a much needed voice in the ever increasing bling of the “the yoga world.”
Miss you bro. Hope to see you soon.
on March 10, 2011 at 7:09 am Juliana G...

your description of resonating with the anatomy DVD teaching was so truthful .. such a gift when simple and seemingly random interactions inspire such profound responses in the body.

…those moments are true instances of purity where the body and heart speak without our interference.

thanks for your post, james, and many blessings to you.
on March 10, 2011 at 7:33 am figmentofcogitation

James, I’ve been away from asana practice for over two years because of a sacroiliac dysfunction that I aggravated by trying to be “good” at all the poses. Even when a pose was painful, I couldn’t make myself come out of it because of ego. I was practicing yoga as a competitive sport, which utterly missed the point. That said, I loved your classes and never felt pushed to do more than was comfortable in them. If you ever feel moved to teach again, you would have even more to offer to your students than you did before this experience.

Michelle
on March 10, 2011 at 7:49 am Sunshine

Thank you James for sharing your story. Very evocative, touching and will also be sharing this with my students.

Many blessings ~
on March 10, 2011 at 9:12 am Christy Naida

Thank you for your article. I saw it on Bruce Bowdich’s page, and am so grateful for the timeliness of it all. I also teach yoga(alignment based vinyasa) and learning how to express the true heart of yoga has been on my own heart so much lately.
I am grateful to you for expressing your journey so well.
on March 10, 2011 at 1:02 pm Peggy

Thanks so much for writing about this. I believe I’m in the same situation as you, with the nervy burning sensation, etc. Hopefully I caught it in time because of you!
on March 10, 2011 at 2:39 pm Julie

James thank you for posting this, I really appreciate the level of sharing and self-reflection. I am not the type – A Yogi, guess you would call me ‘mild’, but that has not stopped me from wanting to be other than where I am. It is easy to see one’s physical limitations as expressions of an inner weakness, or lesser standing on the spiritual scale. If Yoga is for everyone then there are no ‘types’, rather there are individual expressions of the one. Yoga asanas by their nature can fool us into thinking there is an end that we can achieve, ie: a perfect pose. But there isn’t one! If our attitude, action and alignment are all harmonious then perhaps one could say in that moment yes, a sense of fullness but not completion. We are merely at play with the currents. For the Classical Yogi the first on the eight limbed path is Ahimsa, or non-violence (in thought, action or deed) which for me is perhaps the most difficult yet preceeds asana and pranayama……Perhaps what you have experienced is a kind of surrender that is deeply sweet and will allow ‘going deeper’ in the way it was intended to.
on March 10, 2011 at 3:41 pm Susan

Thank you for surfacing to share where you have gone and what you have experienced. I too practiced Yoga to win, but I am not sure what I was trying to win. Luckily I did find a sport where I can practice my type A nature, one really meant to race, push, train, and still be conscious. Yoga flows through me everyday so much stronger in my current practice which is sweet, simple and yet potent. I too would be a hungry heart if you came back to teach but in a totally new way Much love to those long ago conversations we shared of frustration and hope. Susan
on March 10, 2011 at 9:13 pm Jennifer Skiver

Simply …. Thank you! Namaste
on March 11, 2011 at 9:39 am Nova

James, excellent account of not only your struggles but the struggles we all have with letting go of accomplishment that feeds ego. I too have had my medical/physical trials and while i believe the strength I had generated through practicing challenging deep poses and doing awesome demos in front of a large group empowered emotionally, it ultimately left me always wanting more and feeling “less than” when I couldn’t do more. After a challenging battle with anal cancer where my body was not able to walk more than 10 feet at a time; my longings were for finding that seamless unchanging all pervading SELF at my core. While I still occasionally love doing a rockin Anusara practice and adore the UPA’s, i am finding an inner body alignment that is serving me well as I grow older. My path now has lead me to work with cancer and cardiac patients and others with challenges…such a blessing! I deeply honor my teachers John Friend and Rod Stryker for giving me opportunity to wed these inner and outer body disciplines into a beautiful dance of undulating energy.
on March 11, 2011 at 9:45 am Yoga Michiana

“”The yogic fire that I fed so intently has burned out, and now simmers as a pile of barely-warm coals….”

Can a yogic fire be fed by an unconscious ego inflation? Perhaps it feels like a burning, but so does ambition and desire. Based upon my own missteps on and off the path, I would suggest that the barely warm coals represent the sacrifice of the ego. Your yogic fire is alive and well, nourished by humility and gratitude for release from the samskara of perfection.
on March 11, 2011 at 10:12 am Diana

Thanks James. So revealing… patience and practice counts, but self acceptance and kindness too.
on March 11, 2011 at 4:01 pm Ardha Chandra

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I have read and reread this post, shared it through fb, posted it in my studio, and wish I could make it assigned reading for all yoga students. I had a sacroilliac injury early in my teaching career that took about three years of informed yoga (Thanks Judith and Dona!) to really heal. As in so many stories, it was an overuse injury that took sustained malpractice to manifest. I am lucky . . . I was able to heal with careful practice only. And I got the alignment/inner sensation message with great clarity.

I recently had a new student come to two classes. She had started at an astanga-ish studio about a month before coming to my hatha class. Each time, she worked in “advanced” poses in between or instead of the poses I was actually teaching. I guess that what I was presenting was not “enough” to her mind, She seemed not to see or respect the basic challenges that were actually there for her–rotating the pelvis forward in a forward bend, for example. Our discussion of alignment and the ability to find and explore an edge was apparently not to her liking. I have not seen her since. It haunts me because I think I see her future. And I hope that I am wrong.
on March 11, 2011 at 7:04 pm Kimi

James,
So glad to find this via Rachel’s FB post. I’m in the throes of injury myself at this moment. Can barely walk, can’t dance. No yoga, either. Thank the gods for the bicycle. So your words resonate. I have long been aware of my own attachments and identifications with my body and form–in both dance and yoga, noticing chronic pain and “treating” it but not really learning the deeper message of “stop,” until just a few days ago. I have stopped. Of course there’s a different kind of pain in that decision. But it’s giving me the quiet and stillness I need to reach in and go through, rather than around, the pain. Thank you for posting your story. Whatever our path, in full acceptance of our bodies, we do, eventually, get the deepest asana, don’t we?

blessings, Kimi
on March 11, 2011 at 7:33 pm Bea Miller Ammidown

Thank you so much for writing this from your valuable experience. Sharing this with many. Please look at my web site and my mission. namaste, BEA
on March 11, 2011 at 8:14 pm Mara Healy

Thank you so very much for sharing your yoga journey and your asana journey. Thank you Cora for sharing this wonderful article with me. Om.
on March 11, 2011 at 9:06 pm Julie

By the way…..Yogis like yourself make the best teachers as they have learned something from their own experience….so if you are no longer teaching I urge you to share your gifts of insight….
on March 11, 2011 at 9:20 pm Laura Christensen (Abbey)

Dear James Brother,
Oh, I miss you so much! I’m happy to see that you are doing well and that you have figured this out. I remember you dealing with this pain ever since I first met you. I’m so sorry it got worse. I’m so inspired by your post. Thank you for the honest and open sharing. I have been feeling this way for a while now and I have been seeing so many of my dear friends/and fellow teachers who have been practicing for a long while (and with great alignment) get injured and/or experience an increase in certain types of chronic pain from pushing too hard. I am one of them. We say that yoga is not competitive but I think we put so much pressure on ourselves to do our best. But sometimes “our best” and the most challenging thing to do is to back off and honor our amazing bodies, EXACTLY as they are. We cannot expect the UPA’s (as amazing as they are) to be a cure all. The body is just way more complex and amazing than that and therefore, it’s a great benefit to broaden our knowledge within and beyond the UPA’s. I’m very inspired by a person honoring their limits and treating their body like a very sacred vessel to be cared for, nurtured and loved, and really no longer inspired by watching someone put their foot behind their head or bend in half– especially when they came out of the womb like that (just like their eye color — it’s innate!) or if they push their body into it and it really isn’t happy there. I wish you would teach again James, because your class is the class we all need. Students would benefit so much from your wisdom and courage! But thank you for sharing it here!
on March 11, 2011 at 10:51 pm Natalia

Thank you for a great post. Many yogis have the tendency to push themselves extra hard for sometimes wrong reasons. I use to do it too. and i still sometimes catching myself going to far either for my own amuzement or competetive reasons. I agree with Julie you would be a great teacher.
Namaste
on March 12, 2011 at 6:26 pm tiawellness

James, thank you for sharing your story. It deeply resonates with me from having pushed myself deeply while immersed in an Ashtanga practice for several years. It is definitely a difficult thing to accept that your body has limitations because of the fact that it was pushed too hard, but great to learn such a valuable lesson as to what is the true spirit of yoga. I have also never heard of FAI and tried out the assessment that was mentioned in the link you provided and did not have any sharp pain, but noticed the sensation was considerably more present than in my left leg, so it definitely has me wonder if that syndrome has been the source of my pain for last few years. Thanks again for sharing!
on March 13, 2011 at 12:03 pm On Practicing Intensity « James MacAdam

[...] Comments « Confessions of a Type-A Yogi [...]
on March 13, 2011 at 1:21 pm Lisa

You truly Are a great yogi.
on March 19, 2011 at 9:41 am Heidi

Thank you so much for sharing. This is what all yogis and newbies NEED to learn. This is a lesson that also needs to be taken off the mat and into our lives. Years ago I too pushed myself too far in Astanga… not fully listening to my teacher OR my body but focusing on my EGO… my athletic pursuit of yoga damaged my shoulder and I still feel this as I teach. And at times I battle with my ego not listening to my body but everything is an opportunity to learn and I share this with my class.

I have shared the Devil Wears Prana’s posting on my blog and I will defintely share your posting.

Namaste…
on March 20, 2011 at 10:18 am russ pfeiffer

nice article but i believe that john friend (and many other asana teachers) have a responsibility in your misdirection. the way in which john teaches is all about more performance. sure he covers his ass by saying that it is not about asana but his actions speak differently. john has actually trademarked “universal principles of alignment”. i find it interesting that john (the “barney of yoga”) has trademarked this concept when his work is basically iyengar cliff notes with a happy face and open heart. paul grilley (who’s anatomy video you watched), certainly knows that john’s universal principles of alignment are as illogical as putting a square peg in a round hole. the truth is that what john and other asana entrepreneurs are promoting is, as you state “encouraging students to contort their bodies or pursue a yoga that was externally focused”. you did not get that message from john because his actions did not communicate it. why????because it isn’t as marketable of a product. plainly john and many other teachers are negligent in the teaching of asana. the statistics on yoga injuries are overwhelming and in terms of product liability the teachers have a responsibility. it is time for the yoga community to call these over aggressive teachers on their mistakes. john and all of us need to learn from your experience and change the overall message being put out. i’m not sorry of this offends anyone because contrary to american cultural beliefs the truth is the kindest thing you can do for people in the end. thanks for listening.
on April 7, 2011 at 3:01 pm Reflecting on a 40 Day Asana Practice

[...] http://jamesmacadam.com/2011/02/28/confessions-of-a-type-a-yogi/ [...]
on April 15, 2011 at 9:16 am Hannah Thornton

i am reading this while experiencing the same back pain i’ve had for 8 years – since a yoga injury was exacerbated by pushing through 2 years of mysore ashtanga practice. thank you thank you thank you for posting this in a public forum. i am still practicing asana, but not with the same degree of “studentship” i had before. i fight with shame and regret every time i get on the mat. sadly, i let my disciplined internal yoga practice go away with my asana practice.

still, i understand that i am on the journey of yoga. and feel fortunate to have encountered these teachings in this lifetime.

thank you again for sharing this story.
on August 3, 2011 at 5:46 am True Confessions of a Yogi | bruce-bowditch.com

[...] http://jamesmacadam.com/2011/02/28/confessions-of-a-type-a-yogi/ [...]
on August 3, 2011 at 5:49 am The Next Level | bruce-bowditch.com

[...] http://jamesmacadam.com/2011/02/28/confessions-of-a-type-a-yogi/ [...]
on August 25, 2011 at 9:46 am Nicole Meade

James, thanks for sharing this beautiful story. I have so often struggled with choosing NOT to take a pose further when I know I can get more out of staying with the more simple form. There’s something in the mind that wants to push to the furthest edge – and you have described that so beautifully. I agree with Darren and the others who have urged you to teach again – I used to attend your classes irregularly and always enjoyed them. Thanks for sharing, and I’m so glad you’ve recovered from your injuries.
on September 1, 2011 at 1:44 pm Day 39: The God’s May Be Laughing, But We Can Laugh Back

[...] If you are interested in reading more about the ego and the Western yogis Type A struggle with achievement, I highly recommend this wonderful post. [...]
on September 11, 2011 at 8:09 pm Reflecting On a 40 Day Asana Practice

[...] If you are someone that needs a reminder that the full expression of a pose may look different for you than the acrobat next to you, you may want to watch Paul Grilley’s video, or read this eloquent, cautionary tale “Confessions of a Type A Yogi.” [...]
on October 4, 2011 at 2:50 pm Marie-Claire Jenkins (@missmcj)

Thank you for sharing this. I have shared it with my students and my friends. Sometimes we forget that Yoga is a state of mind. Leslie Kaminoff says something lovely about Asana practice: “it’s not about moving your body through space, it’s about moving the spaces in your body”.
on December 17, 2011 at 2:18 pm camerarwanda

Hi dear James,
I agree with so much of the above, stated by so many skilled, fabulous teachers (Bruce, Darren, Landry, et al). I would only add this to the observation, James, that you were a wonderful teacher: you are still very much a teacher. This blog is as teaching as it gets and how resonating it is. Well, the context for our yoga is our culture which reflects our Ego. So, that’s some challenge…Ours isn’t a kind culture, ours isn’t a kind Ego.

I rawther like what being a mommy has done for my own practice: I can silently slip out of the lounge, leaving my toddler alone, unbeknownst to her. Soon after she’ll “strike a pose” for the fun of it calling in her little English and inverted breath, “Mommy, what pose is this?” Invariably, I’ll dash in to find her in ekapadahandstandasana in a dynamic Pisa diagonal, fluffy Winnie-the-Pooh slippers emphasizing her joy, de-emphasizing her form.

To surrender to that play seems like a healthy path to me, though I sometimes offer this, “Splay your fingers, Sophia. Make ‘em even happier!” Splay she does, and you can almost see her bursting hands, her heart, her body, her being SMILING. Her practice isn’t one of extremes. She isn’t striving for a perfect shape, but she isn’t opposed to expanding her experience either.

So, if I practice on the mat at home, I am guaranteed to have this same toddler crawling under me or leaping over me. Ah, another lovely message from my young guru: this Practice is not, nor was it ever, my own. I can let go of that silly “I” notion–and play.

“Be careful what you wish for” they say. Indeed, wishing for and willing a physical form without honest communion with the bodybeing is asking for trouble…plus, it’s a little unkind. Everyday I witness Sophia’s blossoming body.
As a mother, I am so kind to my daughter’s little bodybeing. One day Sophia will be older, her bodybeing bigger. That she learns to be kind to this sacred bodybeing…despite our ego-culture…will take a lot of practice…

James, you are reminding us all of how we adults complicate everything–even yoga. And how we can be cruel. But they also say “you have to be cruel to be kind” which seems applicable here. Our bodies have an insatiable way of saying enough is enough when treated cruelly.

xox,
Kresta
on December 24, 2011 at 10:12 am The absurdity of hope; or December 23 at Barnes & Noble. « James MacAdam

[...] and ready for me to consume it, to fly above it all. Or there was the time, still recovering from hip surgery, when Rachel bought me a gift certificate to a running store. I had only just begun to walk for [...]